Lamentations
by Ivy Kendall
Summary: "My grief lies all within, and these external matters of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul"  - William Shakespeare
1. Chapter 1

As she walked down the few steps into the darkened room, Tracy breathed deeply and pretended just for a moment that the past six months hadn't happened. Although faded, the smell of Cuban cigars and single malt whisky hanging in the air tempted her with unanswered questions and a myriad of wishes. The smell of his cologne was long gone however, a reminder that none of this was a dream. Her husband wasn't there anymore and she was alone.

"You know, I keep expecting him to burst through the door" came a voice from across the room.

"Mmm" Tracy replied, not the least surprised to find the company. "If I keep it dark I pretend he's just out in the storeroom getting another crate."

"I know what you mean. Dark is good enough for me. Somehow it makes the ghosts friendlier, or at least keeps reality at bay."

Tracy snorted as she moved to the bar to grab a glass.

"Don't bother, I've got the bottle and two glasses with me. It seems appropriate that we should be drinking during this conversation."

"It does indeed" she replied as she moved towards the booth. "Sometimes it seems all the conversations about Luke require a stiff drink."

"You've got that right... but this one really needs to have something to help it flow. Are you opening the bar tonight?"

"No" Tracy said as she sat down in the booth. There was just enough moonlight coming through the portholes for her to make out the bottle and glasses on the table, and to see the outline of the woman she now faced. Even though they had known each other for more than thirty years, they had never really shared time together. Funny how life worked.

"Penny for your thoughts" came a chuckle through the darkness.

"I'm not even sure they're worth that much. No, I was just thinking of all the years we've known each other and all the people we have in common, yet this is the first time we've actually shared a drink."

"Yeah, I was thinking about that earlier. You know we should have done this a long time ago."

"We didn't need to do it a long time ago" Tracy mused and saw the auburn sway of her curly hair nodding in the pale light. "So Sister-in-law, what do I need to know about my husband?"


	2. Chapter 2

Bobbie Spencer smiled sadly at her Sister-in-law as she poured Bourbon into both tumblers. Thirty years ago it had been so easy to believe Tracy a rich-bitch with no sense of compassion or even feels at all. Briefly she wondered what would have happened if she had made the gesture to get to know her back then. How would their lives be different?

"Don't do that", Tracy ordered after taking a long gulp from her glass and sighing as the liquid burned down her throat. "Don't do that" she said more gently "it won't do us any good."

"Do what?" Bobbie asked, quickly placing her glass on the table with a dull thud.

"Those woulda, coulda, shoulda's you were mulling over. Don't waste the energy."

"How did you know I was thinking that?" Bobbie asked, perhaps a bit more snippy than she needed to be.

Tracy put her hand up signal her desire to keep the conversation from getting testy. "Because I've been doing it, and it's no good. I think everyone who's seen as much as we have starts to think like that, but it doesn't change a thing." As she finished her voice was almost a whisper in her struggle with self-control. "I've asked myself what I could have seen or done to avert this tragedy, but I don't know if there was anything I could have done differently. That's what I've been telling the kids anyway. Lulu... God Lulu...

Bobbie reached across the table to squeeze Tracy's hand and was surprised that her fingers felt like ice. Tracy was always so full of energy and whipping her way through the crowd that Bobbie naturally assumed she would always be hot to the touch, but the woman in front of her was cold and struggling to hold herself together.

"Lulu thinks it's her job to bring everyone back together. I can't tell her she's wrong for wanting that because I want my family back too.

Realizing what she said Tracy straightened and pulled her hand away from Bobbie's. Letting her go, Bobbie sat back and took a sip from her own glass, waiting to see where their conversation was heading.

"I'm sure you think that's rather presumptuous of me, thinking this is my family when it isn't."

"Isn't it? Bobbie asked, surprising Tracy. "This is your husband and while they might be his kids, you have been the one constant in their lives for the past 6 years. I love my brother but I'm under no illusions that he has been around for them. Yes, in the crunch he always comes to the rescue - my brother is rather good at that hero stuff - but in their day to day lives, Lucky, Lulu and Ethan know you alone are the one who has their back."

Smiling sadly Tracy looked hard at the earnestness in the other woman's face. "Thank you for that" she said. "Sometimes I think I've overstepped, they do have mothers after all."

"Neither of whom are here or calling to see how their kids are coping with everything. No, don't apologize for being the one to follow up with them and trying to help. You know, the other day I asked Lucky how things were going and all he could talk about was how much Luke's leaving was hurting you but how you never let them take care of you."

Waving her hand to dismiss the notion Tracy replied, "Why should I? Lucky is the one who lost a child and all three of them are now loosing their father. Nothing is happening to me."

"Tracy..." Bobbie tilted her head and shook it a little as she tried to get under that think crust that always seemed to surround the other woman when anything personal was up for discussion.

"What?" Tracy asked as she took another gulp of her drink.

"Can we agree that everyone in this situation is having difficulty, not just the kids, not just Luke, but you too."

"I'll get over it. It's Lulu, Lucky and Ethan that I'm concerned with. Luke, for better or worse, makes his own choices and has to deal with the consequences. But the kids are just left hanging."

"They are all adults" Bobbie offered gently.

"Does that really make a difference?" Tracy snapped. "When your father acts out or insults you or publicly humiliates you or abandons you, does it really make a difference what your birth certificate says?" Tracy couldn't keep the crack out of her voice this time and was ever so grateful that the darkness hid the tears that were now falling softly down her cheeks. "I look at those adults and see the children they are, just wanting their Dad to return and make it better. Dammit, how could he do this to them... and yes, how could he do this to me?

The break in her voice got deeper as Tracy struggled with her self-control. The anger started to wash over her in waves and it was all she could do not to pick up the glass and smash it. "How dare he stand us up like this? Just there, over by that bar" Tracy pointed animatedly as she spoke, "just over there I held him close and told him we would get through this together, and then he runs. That damn Luke Spencer ran away. But this time he didn't just run, he left a path of utter destruction and devastation in his wake. Six months ago we stood in front of everyone and he promised... he promised never to leave me." She couldn't keep the cry out of her voice any longer. "He promised..."

Bobbie sat quietly watching the shadowed form of her sister-in-law shake with grief and cover her eyes to get her composure back. Yes, her brother had promised and she knew with complete conviction that running away was Luke's way of holding true to the promise to always put his wife and family first. Few understood the demons that drove him, but Bobbie knew. However that didn't help the woman across from her.

"I know what I'm feeling" Tracy continued, "and it's just a fraction of what those kids are feeling. As for Lucky... I don't know how he gets out of bed in the morning and keeps on going. I don't think I could."

"Lucky gets out of bed in the morning because he's got Siobhan with him and he gets to see his other son. Lulu has Dante helping her through this. Ethan has Maya to lean on. You are the one who has been left alone, Tracy" Bobbie offered.

"No Maya."

"Excuse me?"

"It seems dear, sweet, perfect great-granddaughter Maya couldn't keep her legs crossed while she was out of town," Tracy said sarcastically.

"Oh dear..."

"Well that 'dear'..." Tracy swallowed more from her glass to calm herself down and spoke more gently, "that 'dear' is now walking around town trying to pretend none of this effects him and I'm worried that he will be the next Spencer to run away. Lulu can't handle that. But really, how much more can any of us take?"

"Do you want me to answer that or do you just want me to pour?" Bobbie asked with more than a trace of sarcastic humour.

Tracy smirked for the first time and held out her almost empty glass. "What do you think?" Once full Tracy tossed the drink back and banged the glass on the table. "Shit!"

"Come again? Bobbie slurred, just faintly aware she was working her way through her third tumbler of bourbon.

Reaching for the bottle Tracy filled her glass once more and drained half the contents. "This whole situation, God I hate emotional swings. That's why I love business, no nonsense, get the deal done and at the end of the day earnings and losses are all reduced to numbers, but this has me all over the map. One minute I want to break everything around me, the next I'm crying like a wounded animal, and a moment later I feel empty. There are only four people in my life who have ever seen me cry: Lulu, Dillon, Mother and Luke. But here I am in front of you and the tears just come whether I want them to or not. I hate this."

"What do you want to feel?" Bobbie asked her.

"Nothing."


	3. Chapter 3

"Nothing... well I think we can accomplish that for a little while at least" Bobbie said as she rose from the table. When one foot wouldn't go easily before the other, she reached back and held the table for support. "Just give me a minute."

Laughing Tracy got up and walked to the bar to retrieve another bottle. "Obviously liquor isn't your vice. Sit down before you fall down. I'd hate to have to explain to the board of General Hospital how the Chair was responsible for the Head of Nursing passing out and smashing her head open while in a drunken stupor." Tracy paused for effect and turned back on Bobbie. "It wouldn't be good for business either."

"Ha! You are the epitome of compassion." Bobbie retorted, grateful to be able to sink down into the plush seat of the booth again. "For your information I have been able to hold my liquor with many a man and lived to tell the tale."

"And how long ago was that?" Tracy asked as she returned to the table and took her seat.

"Too long ago" Bobbie laughed and held her glass up in a toast. Clinking the glasses each took a long drink then fell into quiet reflection.

"I've been keeping pace with Luke for years" Tracy offered quietly into the darkness.

"Do you really think he's an alcoholic?" Bobbie asked.

"Don't you?"

"No, honestly I don't. You and I have both seen addicts and Luke just doesn't fit the part. He has never hid the fact he drinks too much, but there is a difference between that and being controlled by alcohol."

"Then tell me, if he's not an alcoholic, what the hell is he?"

"He's scared."

"Scared of what? Luke has always had the world by the tail and everyone around him has to march to his drum or get out."

Shifting in her seat, Bobbie moved the bottle out of the way and pushed the glasses off to the side, as though removing any barrier that might block her words from seeping through to Tracy. "I know it always seems that way, but he is driven even harder by fear than he is by adventure."

Tracy reached for her glass for another drink, instinctively returning it to the side where Bobbie had pushed it. "Are you trying to tell me in all the years I have loved and fought with that man, that I don't know him?" her ire starting to rise.

"No" Bobbie said quickly, placing her hands flat on the table for support. She was amazed how much of a struggle it was to talk about the past. "No, not at all. If I were to be honest I think of everyone he has ever known that you are the one who knows him the best, and you understand and accept him more than anyone else ever has. No, you know him. But I know my brother and I know he hasn't told you everything he struggles with because he can hardly admit it to himself."

"My instincts are better than that, Bobbie. And I have a fleet of private investigators at my disposal. Everyone in this town knows about Florida and the bordello and Ruby and you working there as a teenager and Scott Baldwin. Then there are those of us who know about Tim Spencer and, God help me, the Eckerts." Tracy rolled her eyes in disgust at the name. "I know about the beatings and your mother's death and fleecing the johns. I even know if Mother had been successful in her plans Luke would be my brother and not my husband, though the mind does boggle at what that would have been like."

Laughing, Bobbie took another drink "Yours and mine both."

"The thing is, I know the basic story. Perhaps I don't know all the finer details but I know enough to assume his childhood was punctuated with beatings by your father, probably being told regularly that he wasn't good enough - that he wasn't a man. I know my husband and he would have felt responsible for you and your mother. I know he feels responsible for her death even though he wasn't. I know my tarnished knight and how he takes the weight of the world on his shoulders. And I know his sense of personal responsibility is so strong that he will sacrifice himself for the slightest crime in order to save the people he loves.

"I've often laughed you know, at Mac and others who think Luke doesn't care about people or situations, and I wonder how long have you known this man? I want to ask them if they are capable of seeing behind the mask to who Luke Spencer really is."

Bobbie watched her sister-in-law for a while, marveling a how her words could be spoken about herself just as much as they were about Luke. Tracy's mask was all anyone took the time to see, and for years Bobbie knew she was also guilty of a summary disregard. However, unlike Luke who would do larger than life heroic deeds to earn people's respect and admiration, Tracy quietly worked in the background building up relationship with the people who were important to her. It was Tracy who brought Luke's family back together years ago, Bobbie knew, and Tracy who held them together even now.

"You know Tracy, no one took the time to look behind your mask before my brother either." Bobbie replied before common sense got the better of her. Tracy's temper was legendary - no one made the mistake of not recognizing that - and her emotions were so raw already that Bobbie had no idea how she would react to anything said.

Silence was the only response. Then when Bobbie was about to speak again the single word reply came through night "Touche".

Scared. Tracy marveled at the word. She wouldn't use that to describe her husband nor would anyone else. The Luke Spencer that she knew wrestled with his demons on a regular basis, and had to try outrunning them at least twice a year. Sometimes he did it quickly, but more often than not he was gone for month and the only indication that he was alive was money missing from her bank accounts. It might seem perverse to anyone else, but the fact that he still needed her money somehow underscored the fact that he was coming back. When she felt weak she often wondered if that was all she meant to him, but deep down she knew better. Somehow 'driven by fear' just didn't seem to fit the image of the Haunted Hero.

Even though she knew Bobbie couldn't see her hand gestures clearly, Tracy still used her fingers to rattle off her thoughts. "So he's scared. Let me see. Scared he will disappoint everyone. Scared he will become an abuser like his father. Scared he might have been drunk that night after all. Scared this is some sick cosmic joke for not being a proper grandfather to Lucky's son. Scared... what... that he will never find forgiveness. What did I miss?"

"Perhaps scared that he will and he doesn't deserve it. Look Tracy, I don't expect it to make sense even to those of us who love him the most, but he is so scared of being a failure as a human being that he rushes to be the worst person he can just so he doesn't have to see the faces of those he loves when he destroys them. Of course he's missing the fact that this action is doing more damage than anything else."

"You sure he's missing that fact? I would think he's counting on it. Most people wouldn't put a picture of my husband by the word Martyr, but that's exactly what he is. He destroys himself and relationships in the false assumption that everyone is better without him." Tracy poured herself another drink and finished half the glass before continuing. "Do you still think I'm missing the point?"

Grabbing the bottle and topping up her own glass Bobbie smiled to herself. "You know, I've thought about having this conversation with other women from his past but every time I started, they wanted to rush forward to save him from himself. You don't want to save him, do you."

Her voice softly cracking Tracy answered "No, I don't want to save him. I just want him. I want to hold him while he cries and help him walk into each new day. I hate that he does this. I know I should be used to it by now but damn it all, this is different. Everything about this feels like the end. I'm afraid to answer my phone because it might be the police reporting they've found his body."

"Yes" Bobbie shuddered before taking another drink, "I have the same nightmare."

Silence hung in the air like an old friend as each woman continued to drink and reflect on the actions of those they held in common.

Finally Tracy spoke "You want to tell me about it?"

"Which part?"

"The part that you're thinking about right now."

Bobbie blinked back tears. "I remember one time Luke got there just after two men started to rape me. You see our wonderful father had lost at cards and I was his last bet. I must have been nine at the time - after a while everything runs together. Anyway, always the hero Luke tried to pull them off me but dear old Dad got angry at Luke for interfering so he decided to handle matters the way he always did. I don't know who screamed louder that night, all I know is that after a while I stopped. I must have passed out because when I awoke everyone was gone and there was my big brother... my hero... blood pouring down from his nose and eye, and he obviously had a broken arm the way he was favouring it, but none of that made a difference. He had a pan of water and was cleaning me up.

"Luke has seen real evil Tracy, and he has tried to fight against it at every turn. The thought that this time he was the evil is more than he can bear."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

In the aftermath of their conversation, Tracy was left with a great many things to think about. Her husband scared? Alone? Hiding? These were all terms one would use for a child running away not a grandfather who wouldn't face his responsibilities. She had no intention of being Luke's mother, and yet she couldn't deny that Bobbie's words had touched a part of her heart that had remained blind to the situation.

As she walked along the pier the next morning, Tracy tried to put her thoughts in order. Had she been too harsh to her husband and not opened her arms to him when she should have? If she went to him now might she be able to get through to him? "Freud would have a field day with all of us" she said to the wind.

"Who are you talking to?" a voice asked quietly from behind. The thick brogue didn't leave anything to the imagination and Tracy turned to the one daughter-in-law she actually liked.

"What brings you out this early in the morning? Tracy asked her. "Is everything okay with Lucky?"

Siobhan looked at Tracy for a few minutes trying to keep the tears from flowing.

"Let's sit" Tracy suggested as she gestured to the bench.

Nodding, Siobhan sat, clasping her hands in her lap. "You know, of all the wonderful things I have in my life now that I am a Spencer, I thing one of the nicest is having you as a mother."

"Why is everybody thinking I'm mother material now?" Tracy snapped in frustration, throwing her hands in the air.

"Excuse me? I'm sorry if I offended you" Siobhan whispered and got up to leave

"No" feeling foolish Tracy turned to the younger woman and put her hand gently on her arm. "No, you haven't. I'm just not handling all of this well this morning. I shouldn't have snapped. Actually, I'm flattered you feel that way. Most people think I'm the most horrible mother on the planet who's own sons don't want anything to do with her."

"Lulu doesn't feel that way, nor does Ethan or Lucky. And I know that Dillon always asks about you when he's talking to Lulu, at least that's what she tells me. I don't know about the other one."

"Ned" Tracy smiled inwardly at her words. "No, Ned is much older than the rest of them so I'm not surprised you haven't heard about him."

Nodding Siobhan took the information in but remained quiet. She really liked Tracy but she also knew it didn't take much to get her angry. Having already done that she didn't want to risk it again.

Tracy understood and mentally kicked herself. She should have kept her tongue and just accepted the compliment. She and Siobhan were in the same boat on this one and needed to support each other to keep the family together.

"So tell me, what is happening with Lucky?" Tracy coaxed.

Unsure Siobhan looked over at Tracy before beginning to speak.

"Well, good news actually, in a manner of speaking. You know young Aiden?"

"Liz's son with Nicholas?"

"Yes, well it turns out it's not her son with Nicholas after all but with Lucky. Apparently Helena Cassidine changed the paternity tests and when Elizabeth had another one done recently it gave them the truth."

"I see. How convenient, Liz just decides she doesn't want one person being the father of her children so she gives them to another, and it's always to Lucky. First Zander's son became Lucky's, then Jason's and now Nicholas'. Funny how that works. At least Zander had the good grace to be dead and Jason gave his away, but how did she get Nicholas to agree to this?" Tracy didn't bother to hide her disgust.

"No, no I saw the test results myself. I've known for a little while and have been trying to convince Elizabeth to tell Lucky the truth. Those were the papers she was distracted by the night Jake was killed. I thought it would help Lucky if he knew his other sons were alive. It is the truth."

"The truth? Elizabeth has always played fast and free with that concept, but I wouldn't put it past Helena to change the results. It is completely in keeping with her need to hurt Luke every way possible, and she isn't above using his children to do it. Lucky has been a favourite victim of hers."

As she was speaking something started to connect in the back of Tracy's mind between Helena and test results, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. Shaking her head, she decided to put those thoughts aside and focus on what Siobhan was telling her.

"How is Lucky handling the news?"

"Much as you would expect. Feeling obligated now to another soul rather than focusing on himself. When I try to get him to talk to me, all he talks about is Cameron and Aiden needing a father, and how you and Lulu are having such a hard time with Luke being gone."

Tracy nodded her understanding. "He's too much like his father, and you are probably worried that the mother of his children will return and claim him again."

Now is was Siobhan's turn to nod as she lowered her head.

"Believe me, I know how that feels."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The two women sat for awhile in silence, each so deep in their own thoughts they didn't hear Ethan and Kristina walking towards them.

"Three of my favourite women gathered in one place, now this is a very auspicious start to the day I must say." Ethan smiled to Tracy, Siobhan and Kristina.

"What are you doing up at this hour? Don't you usually sleep 'til noon or 2?" Tracy challenged him, not at all pleased to see who he was with.

"Ah yes, usually I do. But this lovely lady was in need of some assistance this morning and I was most happy to help," Ethan replied putting his hand on Kristina's back.

"What could the daughter of a mob boss who falsely accused you of beating her and almost got you killed, need from you at this time of day?" Tracy was standing now with her arms crossed, glaring at the younger woman.

Having the good graces to blanche a little, Kristina took a slight step back against Ethan's hand and then looked up to face Tracy. "I know Ethan has been having a hard time with his father gone, so I thought it would be a good idea to get him thinking about something else for awhile. Ethan was just helping me take some boxes to the shelter and then we decided to go for a walk."

"See that that's all you do" Tracy stated as she turned and effectively dismissed them.

Ethan sighed and scratched the top of his head. He loved his step-mother but she certainly wasn't the forgiving type.

"I'll be seeing all of you around, I'm sure. Siobhan, give my best to Lucky. Ethan, don't forget to make that order today. I've got it sitting in the folder on the desk." Picking up her purse, Tracy strode off the dock towards the parking area.

As she sat down beside Siobhan, Kristina let go of the breath she was holding. "She is never going to forgive me, is she."

"Give her time, Krissy. Tracy's alright." Ethan tried to assure her.

"If it's any consolation," Siobhan offered, "she lost her temper with me not long before you arrived. Right now it's easy to get angry with you or with me because she can't get angry at the real person she's mad at, and that's Luke."

"You've got that right" Ethan agreed. "She'll never admit it but Tracy is a lot more upset and hurt than she lets on. We're lucky she's not roasting all of us.

"Has anyone heard from your father? Kristina asked, knowing the answer she was sure.

"No. Lucky and Lulu have both tried to find him but nothing. It's like he's fallen off the face of the earth but this time none of us think he'll be back. It bites, really. I'm still getting to know this big mixed-up family and who I am in all of it, and I could really use Luke's help fitting the pieces together."

Kristina reached up and squeezed Ethan's hand in support.

"Where were you two walking, if you don't mind me asking?" Siobhan interrupted.

"Kelly's actually. Want to join us?" Ethan replied.

"If I wouldn't be intruding, I think I will. I was on my way to grab some breakfast for Lucky and myself when I happened upon Tracy. Now that I think about it, I'm rather famished."

The three walked along in companionable small talk, all of them having had enough of the heaviness of family grief for a little while. Ethan could always be counted on for a humourous story or anecdote, and they were all laughing by the time they entered the cafe. Once inside Kelly's, Kristina excused herself to go to the bathroom and Siobhan let Ethan know she thought the younger woman quite a gem. Ethan beamed more than he should have at the comment, Siobhan noted, but kept the observation to herself. Every Spencer needed all the support they could get from friends and loved ones.

"Oh good, you're here" Ethan turned just in time to have his sister rush into his arms. The jovial mood of the previous moments was shattered as Siobhan and Ethan shared a look over Lulu's head.

Off to one side Lulu's boyfriend Dante stood with hands in his pockets and their bags by his feet. They had barely returned to town when the phone call came in, challenging Lulu's new determination to forge ahead without worrying about her father. Dante had already followed her half way around the globe and was finally hoping their life could get back on track.

"Dad's in trouble" Lulu started.

"Yeah, we know that" Ethan countered.

"No, serious trouble. I just got a call from the woman at the brothel where Dad's been staying. He's really sick, some kind of fever. He's asking for us and they can't seem to get it under control. We have to get down there now."

"What... brothel? Luke's been hanging out in a whore house and you want us to go down there?" Ethan was incredulous not only that Lulu knew where their father was but expected him to run to the rescue. "And by 'us' are you referring to the two of us, or Lucky and Tracy, and do you really want Tracy to know Luke ran away from her to be with prostitutes? She's not going to take that well."

"He didn't run away from Tracy, he ran away from the guilt and the pressure we put on him to stop drinking. But none of that matters now, Dad is sick and he needs us."

"I don't know, Lulu. If Luke really wanted us around I think he would have stuck around. He seemed pretty determined to burn bridges with all of us and move on."

Lulu shook her head with great conviction, "No, he wants us there, he's even asking for us. I just spoke to Lupe - the woman he's been spending his time with - and she said he has been calling for all of us, you, me, Lucky and Tracy. We've got to go down there and bring him home. If we don't..." her voice started to waver, "... we might loose him forever."

"I thought you didn't know where he was, that he was on some scam or another."

"He wasn't at the brothel when I was there, I'm sure of it, but he had been there. I just didn't think it would make anything better if everyone knew that. I guess he went back after I left. Anyway it doesn't matter. I'm going down and I hope Lucky and Tracy will come with me. What about you, will you come?" Lulu pleaded.

"And where exactly do you expect us all to go?"

Lulu looked up into the face of her step-mother who seemed a curious combination of inquisitive, dismissive and hurt.


End file.
